Why is it that I feel like my current treatment regimen isn't getting me anywhere? I am keeping up with all of my appointments and I listen to what my care team has to say, but when it comes down to it I feel like I have no self control at all. It's so easy for me to listen to suggestions and yet it's so hard to put them into practice. Just as an example, I keep getting advice about drinking more water and laying off the diet soda. Now that sounds like an easy transition, something simple that you'd think would be a no-brainer, and yet I just can't kick the habit. It's like diet soda is crack and I cannot seem to shake the addiction. Smoking is my other nemesis. As much as I'd love to be a non-smoker I just can't give it up no matter how hard I try. I know full well what these things do to me and how they negatively impact my overall health, yet they continue to be challenges I can't seem to overcome. I guess in all honesty I'd have to put food in general into that category as well. As good as my intentions are, I continue to make less than healthy choices and thrive on crap that just keeps me spinning my wheels but not getting anywhere. Could it be that as much as I'm trying to consciously love and take care of myself that somewhere inside my subconscious there is a part of me that just doesn't care and doesn't think I'm worth the effort? I know there's a part of me that realizes I'm rapidly approaching the big fifty year milestone and feels like it's too late for me to have any real impact at this point. Ultimately I completely understand and accept that no one can do any of these things for me. I'm the only one who can, and yet I still feel totally out of control and beyond help. I have even wondered if there is something inside me that remains self destructive, that overpowers any effort I make to effect change. I know the answer is that I just have to try harder, but that voice inside me continues to shout "what for?" It turns into such a vicious circle of making even the smallest of attempts and then failing completely and feeling defeated. It seems like much of the time the motivation isn't even there spurring me on to keep trying, and nothing anyone suggests has any impact on my ability or willingness to change the things I so desperately need to.
I suppose I should be grateful I'm not hooked on heroine or meth, and believe me I am! But the addictions I do battle aren't any easier to overcome, at least for me. At this point I don't even think I could identify a truly healthy diet, let alone stick to one. I've even had friends offer to help make meal plans and put together precooked meals I can prepare for myself out of the freezer. It sounds like such a great idea, and yet I just can't get my inner self to accept it. I know I'm an emotional abuser and seek comfort and solace from food, diet coke and cigarettes. I'm not sure quite how to explain it because I know it sounds ludicrous to say that food and cigarettes are my friends, the things that are there for me any time of day or night, standing at the ready to make me feel better, at least temporarily. But like the cycle of addiction illustrates, the feelings of comfort and contentment give way to guilt and shame for not being able to gain control over these obviously destructive behaviors. These feelings of failure quickly lead to more eating and more smoking to soothe the pain that comes with the realization that I've continued to fall short, yet again. It's like a merry-go-round I can't get off of so I keep traveling around in circles getting absolutely nowhere. At this point I'm not really sure if there is anything that can truly motivate me to change my ways permanently. It's certainly not like I'm contemplating those syringes filled with huge doses of insulin. I'm not in that dark place anymore, thank God, but for some reason my head and my heart remain at odds and I can't seem to translate the necessity for change into action. Maybe my inner self is beyond help after a lifetime of conditioning to believe I'm just not good enough or worth the effort. It's rather defeating since I really felt like I have made such progress, and I acknowledge the strides I've made, yet I have to also admit that it hasn't as of yet taken root and begun to grow and flourish in my subconscious inner self. For what it's worth I'll continue to try, but at the same time I have to figure out how to deal with and overcome that vicious circle of addiction and failure. I wish there was an easy answer but it just isn't so.
I'm going to have to also work on making the most out of my therapy sessions. For some reason I haven't been able to really open up and be willing to expose those deep wounds and feelings. The medication I take certainly helps me feel much better and puts me in a place that I feel like I could really start to bring those things up, but when I get into her office I just can't think of what to say or where to start. I feel like she's probably just as frustrated with me as I am with myself. Some of our sessions end up consisting of general conversation rather than dealing with the red meat and doing the hard work that's needed. Maybe I'm afraid of letting those things come up. I suppose there's a large part of my inner self that refuses to let it out for fear of what the consequences might be. As much as I might need to open the flood gates of raw emotion that lies beneath the surface, I absolutely hate how it makes me feel. I guess a part of me thinks if I let it out it will make things worse. I'm much more skilled at putting on a happy face and pretending those thoughts and feelings don't exist. I suppose that's what got me in trouble in the first place, but if I ignore them maybe they'll just go away. Yeah, I know that's not true, they'll just simmer continuously until they cant be held in any longer. I just wish I knew how to take that leap of faith and bear my soul, but I guess there's a part of me that wonders if it would really do any good. The lifetime of conditioning is always going to be there. I feel like the only thing I can do is try to view it differently and try my best to deal with the wounds and scars in a healthier way. I'm going to have to have my therapist read my postings here since I can't seem to verbalize in the same way I can write down my thoughts and feelings. I must keep trying if there's any hope for survival. Otherwise I'll just end up killing myself, albeit more slowly and subtly. As much as I want to just give up sometimes, I realize that's not an option. There are too many people who won't ever give up on me so I must find a way to not give up on myself!
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