Back from the Precipice

One day out and still getting my bearings, no pun intended.  It's hard for me to understand why, after all of the treatment I've received and the program I worked through, I ended up feeling much like my friend in the attached image.  Many of the people in my life think of me as a big overgrown teddy bear so maybe that's one of the reasons I identify so much with this photo.  It represents pretty accurately just how I felt, standing on the precipice trying to decide between somehow climbing desperately back up the seemingly insurmountable cliff face to lift myself out of the deep depression that had once again gotten its grip on me, or simply give up and take that final leap that would hopefully propel me to a final destination I thought might be the only viable option.  I know it isn't.  Actually it isn't an option at all, ever, but saying that to myself doesn't always stop those thoughts that enter my consciousness when I spiral down into that dark and lonely place.  I am wholly aware that I have a support system most people could only dream of, and they provide me with literally infinite and unconditional love and support.  I also know that when I am in that desolate place within my own head I have trouble keeping that in mind.  In fact it often baffles me, as I've shared before, how someone like me who is so lucky and blessed to have such wonderful friends and family, as well as a job that I love and am really good at, could descend into the thought process of feeling so alone and in utter despair and hopelessness.  I also can't expect anyone in my support system to understand it either.  I'm sure people look at me and can't fathom how someone like me with so much love, support and inherent talent and experience could discount all of these positives and lose all hope and desire to go on.  I guess that's one of the most dangerous mysteries and pitfalls of depression.

So what now?  Well, for one thing, this hospital stay was much more brief than the first and with some adjustment in medication and reinforcement of the tools I've learned I have been able to more successfully bounce back in quicker fashion.  I think one of the things that helps me, along with everything else, is to be among people who have or are going through the same things and experiencing similar feelings and emotions.  I admit that one of my failures after my last experience is that I was not able to become part of or participate in an ongoing support group.  I grew so frustrated that all of the groups that I could find were held at times that I couldn't attend with my work hours.  It's not like I have strange or non-traditional hours since I work a typical Monday through Friday 9:30 to 6:00 schedule.  All of my research so far seems to indicate that the possible groups that are available are designed for people who either aren't employed at all or work some sort of alternative schedule.  I've even thought of trying to develop a new group just to meet the needs of those similar to myself but I honestly don't know how to even begin going about it.  One of the things I'm thinking seriously about is Depressed Anonymous, a twelve step program similar to AA but customized for those battling depression.  After looking over their website I found there is no group anywhere in the state of Arizona.  This might be just the thing I need and it seems to me there would be at least some moderate interest.  I'm going to order their "Big Book" and workbook which, in addition to being the primary resource for DA members, provides a guide for starting a new group.  I can't imagine that it wouldn't be worth at least trying.  Throughout my inpatient treatment, both in August and most recently this month, I was exposed to and attended a number of twelve step programs.  I didn't really relate to the actual focus as I am not a drinker or narcotic drug user, but the overall premise seems like it would be a huge benefit for me and those who similarly experience and struggle with depression.  As I stated in my most recent posting prior to this, I feel somewhat skeptical or at least neutral on individual counseling.  I'm sure it's an important part of the recovery process but each session seems to leave me feeling ambiguous about the benefits I'm getting from it.  Wednesday's clinic visit will hopefully shed some additional light on these feelings and may even possibly provide me with other or additional options and resources.

Until I am able to either get involved with or start a pertinent group geared toward dealing with and managing depression, I continue to have my support system and have realized that the circle of friends there for me is larger than I could have ever imagined.  It's funny to me that I rely so heavily on only one or two and have difficulty reaching out to others and be honest about needing help.  These are the folks that get so angry with me when they find out about my trials and tribulations after the fact and that I didn't let them know what was going on or give them the opportunity to offer assistance and encouragement.  I honestly don't know why that's the case.  The only thing I can surmise is that when I am descending into the depths of darkness and despair and end up withdrawing into my own cocoon of what I perceive to be my minuscule and meaningless existence, I lack the will or strength to reach out.  The few people who have a key to my home force their way in and grab onto my hand to lead me to the help I need, without regard to whether I want it or not.  When things get bad I rationalize not including many friends into my struggles because I know they have their own lives and families to worry about and take care of and my need for support would only burden those who might otherwise be willing and able to rally around me.  Even those few who force themselves into my shrinking world make me feel guilty that I've failed once again and ended up in a crisis.  Yes, I consciously know and understand that needing help and struggling with depression isn't failing, but it can be almost impossible to hold onto this view once those feelings have completely enveloped me in hopelessness.  I only end up feeling sorry for not having let people know and not recognizing their willingness and desire to be there for me.  Now that I have begun again the process of healing and recovery, I have a different outlook than the last experience.  I know now that, just like the alcoholic, I have to take things day by day and work hard to manage this disease.  You'd think I would have figured that out by now, especially since being a diabetic requires the same diligence without which things get out of control and become unmanageable.  So here I am, once again, beginning the climb up the metaphoric sheer cliffs one foothold at a time, realizing and accepting that obstacles await and backsliding will likely occur from time to time.  Just as the bear struggles to climb up the mountain set before it, I continue to fight the good fight and must constantly remind myself not only accept but also embrace the love and support of all those surrounding and cheering me on.