Silence is Deafening

The saga continues with my clinic.  Over the past two and a half weeks I've called and left numerous messages for my new case manager and have received no response.  Three days ago I left a general message on the main voicemail requesting a call back from a supervisor.  Finally yesterday I get a call from my old case manager.  He wanted to know if I've heard anything from CHEEERS or Art Awakenings.  Of course at this point my assumption is that whoever got my voicemail requesting to speak with a supervisor asked my old case manager to call, but no mention of any of my calls was made.  I did find out the my newly assigned case manager is leaving so I'm being reassigned to someone else but have no idea who that might be yet.  Until such time as I have a new case manager I have no faith in the system whatsoever.  I can't trust that transportation will be taken care of or that I will be able to reach anyone in the event that I'm stranded somewhere.  Because of the deafening silence from my clinic of late, I've decided to put things on hold for now.  I cancelled my intake with Art Awakenings on Monday and if I hear anything from CHEEERS I'll put that on the back burner for now as well.  I did find out that I have the option to change to another clinic and, depending on how things go if and when I finally get a case manager, I very well may exercise that option.  Unfortunately it can take up to a month to transfer and I have to go through my current clinic to initiate that process so it may take even longer, but I really feel like I've fallen through the cracks and am not receiving the level of service I need in order to feel comfortable branching out to any other programs.  A number of people I know have highly recommended Southwest Network, indicating their experiences have been very positive and they have received exceptional service from them.  That would be the clinic I'd switch to if and when it comes to that.  It's sad that I've reached the point of giving up hope that I'll eventually have a good case manager experience at Partners in Recovery.  I did have one really great case manager for a brief time that was on top of everything and in regular contact with me but she unfortunately left the organization, probably because she was too good!  Maybe I'll get lucky again but I'm not holding my breath at this point.

The only thing that has been keeping me going is the support of friends and having Brian here.  I have found that my mood is boosted with his presence and we've accomplished quite a bit when it comes to cleaning up and organizing the apartment.  Even when we are on our respective devices and doing our own things it's just nice to have the company.  I'm not alone all the time as I used to be and that has been a marked improvement.  I realized, however, that I had not been out of the apartment since I left the Friendship program.  Brian wanted to take Jackie and I out for breakfast at Black Bear diner and we ended up going yesterday.  I was anxious about heading out and it was somewhat uncomfortable but I managed.  Being with Brian and Jackie helped ease my anxiety.  I need to work on being more comfortable in going out.  My agoraphobia has gotten pretty bad and my motivation to be out and about is minimal at best.  Physical issues like my worsening arthritis and back pain have added to my reticence about getting out as well so it's kind of a perfect storm right now.  I have a follow up with my nurse practitioner on Tuesday so I'll talk with her about how things have been going and share my experiences, or lack thereof, of case management services which has contributed to my isolation and not wanting to proceed with the other programs at this point.  At least I'm content being at home, especially now that Brian is here.  He encourages me to be more motivated to do things and I'm trying to be more productive, even if it is just here at the apartment.  Our next project is organizing clothes and the closet and dressers so that everything is put away.  There's now a second TV in the bedroom which makes sleeping in there more conducive since both of us sleep with the TV on for background noise.  It does require an additional converter from the cable company but that's only an extra $3.00 per month which is well worth it.  Hopefully by Tuesday's follow up at my clinic I will have been assigned to a new case manager and will have a chance to meet them face to face.  I plan to express my lack of trust and interest in changing clinics once I have the opportunity.  We'll just have to wait and see on that score but for now the silence remains deafening.

Purpose Driven

I finished reading The Purpose Driven Life from cover to cover.  It was a great read.  Admittedly I didn't follow instructions as the book is designed to be read only one chapter per day over the course of 40 days, but I found it so interesting and compelling I just had to keep going.  Now that I've read it all I want to go back and do a chapter at a time, focusing on the bible verses referenced and pondering more deeply the discussion questions.  I see now how beneficial it is to work your way through the book much more slowly.  I'd actually like to find someone who would be willing to work on it with me but everyone I know who might be interested is so busy with other things.  Reading it through as I did made the concepts and challenges seem daunting.  Like any major undertaking it's going to take one step at a time. Baby steps!  The first question that jumped out at me was in chapter 2; I know that God uniquely created me ... What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?  Wow, that's a big one!  Where do I even begin explaining all the areas I struggle with?  I guess honesty and full disclosure are in order since God already knows everything anyway.  For starters I have to acknowledge that I've not been a good steward when it comes to my body being a temple, unless of course you consider it as a crumbled and ancient ruin in desperate need of overhauling.  It's probably haunted as well.  I've simply not taken care of myself which has been a lifelong battle.  Another aspect of my life that I have yet to come to complete terms with is my mental illness.  Bipolar, depression and anxiety have been with me since childhood for any number of reasons, whether it resulted from chemical or biological disposition or as a result of the years of physical and emotional abuse.  Being in and out of hospitals, especially over the past several years, and having tried numerous individual and combinations of various medications has left me feeling somewhat defeated.  Inpatient stays as well as various group therapy programs have encompassed a very tiring and draining process.  Overall, though, it's not anything entirely new.  After all, the first time I was hospitalized was my freshman year in high school.  It, too, has been a lifelong struggle indeed.

I think the two biggest barriers to having a more deep and fulfilling relationship with God and Christ is my low to non-existent self esteem and my sexual orientation.  I simply don't believe I'm good enough for or worthy of God's love.  I wish I didn't have to admit that.  I mean according to scripture technically speaking none of us are good enough which I guess is the point, that God loves us in spite of not being worthy, that Jesus died for us because we aren't deserving.  I suppose it's somehow arrogant of me to think that somehow I'm special enough to be singled out, that God loves everyone except me.  I wish I could snap my fingers and somehow suddenly be completely confident that God loved me.  All I can say is that I'm working on it.  Similarly, my sexual orientation has contributed to my feelings of worthlessness, depression and anxiety.  And it's not something that will ever go away; I can't change it in any way, as much as I've wished I could.  At least on the surface, and when interpreted literally, there's no question that the bible speaks about homosexuality in the negative.  Who am I to question that?  Yet how can God have created me the way I am and still view me as an abomination worthy of death?  From my own experience it isn't a choice.  I would never have chosen this under any circumstances.  I don't know anyone personally who would have.   Reading Torn and God and the Gay Christian have helped somewhat, making me at least consider alternative viewpoints on the scripture passages that deal with same-sex relations.  I can see that there may be something to cultural context when it comes to dealing with sexual and gender roles in biblical times.  Yet there is still such a schism in today's society between the left and right, liberal and conservative.  Just the other day Franklin Graham called out Mayor Pete Buttigieg to repent for being gay.  To many of those on the religious right it goes beyond even behavior.  To many people even simply being gay, even if that orientation is not acted upon, is a sin worthy of condemnation to hell.  What if they're right?  Am I damned to hell regardless of what I do or believe?  In spite of it being perhaps too little too late, I'm embarking on an investigatory journey to see what I can find out or come to understand.  It's like that old saying, today is the first day of the rest of your life.  I can only start where I am and see where things take me.  Perhaps I'll be able to overcome these manyfold stumbling blocks and I'll be able to work toward living a more purpose driven life as defined by Rick Warren's book.  I can only try and hope that God will help and guide me along the way.

Insomnia and Some Reading

It just struck 1:30 am and I'm still wide awake.  It was a slow day earlier and I ended up napping quite a bit so it's no surprise that I'm up at this hour.  As there's not much on TV, I thought I'd do a little writing about a few things I've been reading lately.  I just finished a book called God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines.  It was a great read that delved into the biblical references that speak to same-sex relations and what is said and not said about homosexuality.  It helped me to understand more about the cultural context of the six passages.  I guess I was surprised that there are only six, especially given the emphasis right wing conservatives place on the issue.  I would have thought there were a lot more, and with more explicit language.  It was also surprising to me how certain sections of the bible dealt with cultural norms of the day and no longer seem applicable in today's society; while other passages are clung to in order to justify discrimination and condemnation of the LGBT community.  My purpose isn't to change anyone's mind on the issue, but rather to just point out that this was an exceptionally thought provoking book and I recommend it to anyone who might be interested.  Another book I read recently was Torn by Justin Lee.  This was also a great read and chronicles Justin's journey of self acceptance as a gay Christian.  Unable to change his orientation regardless of how hard he tried, he discusses his path of investigation and discovery and deals a little bit with the issues of celibacy versus same-sex marriage.  Many churches these days have moved to becoming open and affirming toward the LGBT community and some even support and perform same-sex marriages.  Many more don't and continue to preach against homosexuality, don't accept openly LGBT members and actively lobby against same-sex unions of any kind.  Even as we speak the United Methodist Church is on the precipice of splitting over these issues.  Acceptance of the LGBT community within the Christian faith remains a highly divisive issue.

As I've written in the past, I've struggled a great deal with my sexual orientation and have often wished I had been or could be straight.  I still feel that if I could take a pill or just wake up tomorrow and not be gay I would do it in an instant, no hesitation whatsoever.  I guess a lot of people might think that's an odd thing to wish for given the growing tolerance and acceptance today, but remember I was born and raised in a different time.  Orientation other than heterosexual simply wasn't talked about at all, except maybe for the name calling and bullying that took place on the playgrounds and in the halls of middle and high school.  Having been sexually abused from the time I was four years old and having it go on throughout elementary, junior high and high school, I was left with a horrible and contradictory double message.  I knew from my sexual experiences that it existed, but also knew I could never tell anyone; I also knew from being bullied and teased, sometimes from the same people I was involved with intimately, that it was something that was definitely wrong, bad, sinful, repulsive, and unforgivable.  How could God possibly accept and love me?  Surely I could never have a personal relationship with Jesus as my Lord and savior the way that other people talked about.  All I knew is that I was going to hell, I wasn't worth anything and was nothing but a disappointment to my parents and siblings.  While I consider myself a Christian now it took me a long time to get here, and I still battle with many of those deeply seeded feelings that have never gone completely away.  As much as I wish it were, it's not enough to just have someone tell me that God loves and cares for me even as a gay man.  I have to work at it pretty hard actually.  I've come a long way from where I was in my youth and adolescence, but I definitely have a long way to go.  I'm not sure what the answer is yet, but books like Torn and God and the Gay Christian have helped me to view things in a new and different light.  I need to work on my personal relationship with God now and hopefully get to a point that I'm not only comfortable but confident in my faith as well.  I'm thinking about reading The Purpose Driven Life next.  It is supposedly a great book focusing on finding purpose and meaning in life.  It doesn't deal with sexuality or orientation that I know of but is a more general study guide.  It's designed to be read over the course of 40 days but I'm not sure I'll be able to limit myself to only one chapter per day. We'll see how it goes.

All Boxed Up

Between yesterday and today we've managed to get 14 large boxes packed and ready for pick-up.  I can't believe I have so many clothes that have been collected over the years.  I was especially impressed by the number of old AIG branded shirts I had obtained during my tenure with them.  It is not without a sense of melancholy that I sifted through everything and reminisced about memories certain articles of clothing conjured up; but I was kept on task by Brian who encouraged me to keep plugging away.  I wonder if I'll regret ridding myself of any of the things I've boxed up.  Perhaps one day I'll be looking for a particular shirt and all of a sudden it will hit me that I know longer have it.  Sorting and tossing went more quickly than I thought it would.  I tried very hard to make quick decisions rather than agonizing over what should stay and what should go.  Oh well, it is what it is and the vast expanse in space left behind will be put to good use when Brian permanently moves in.  Closet space was freed up as well as drawer storage after cleaning out the dressers.  I feel so much lighter already, even though I'm currently surrounded by stacks of boxes awaiting their final disposition.  After everything is gone I won't know how to act.  I've been living amidst stacks of boxes ever since I moved in here.  I was just never able to make myself unpack, partially because I didn't have a lot of space to work with in putting things away.  I downsized quite a bit when I moved into this apartment as it is somewhat smaller than my condo was.  Actually I should have done the donation thing years ago because I've always had way too much stuff and not enough space, but such is life.  

At Jackie's recommendation, I settled on donating everything to Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Arizona.  Unlike St. Vincent de Paul, Big Brothers accepts everything I'm donating which includes a couple boxes of VHS tapes.  Goodwill wasn't an option because they don't pick up and the mountain of stuff I'm giving away is too insurmountable for me to take anyplace.  I must rely on the brute strength of those willing to haul everything away and hopefully be grateful for the donation.  Jackie donated to them in the past and had nothing but good things to say about the experience so I have faith things will go smoothly.  I thought maybe I'd have to wait a while before they'd be able to pick everything up but to my surprise they are able to come tomorrow.  The only thing that sucks is that it could be anytime between 7:00am and 5:00pm so I have to be ready early just in case.  God knows if I were to oversleep they'd be here bright and early.  Conversely, being up and ready by 7:00 will almost surely mean they won't be here until 5:00.  Oh well, it's not like I have anywhere else to be and Brian is here for the weekend so I'll have company while waiting for them to arrive.  Giving sure feels good.  There's so much I'm not able to do in the way of volunteering and such but I feel like this small gesture of giving clothes and some other household items is something I can do.  I only hope that the clothes find their way to people who need them.  Who knows ... perhaps I'll run into someone one of these days that's wearing something I donated.  I guess that's an odd thought but it could happen.  Anyway, giving back feels especially good this Easter weekend.  It doesn't conjure the same spirit of giving that, say, Christmas does but when you think of that God and Jesus gave up for us all I can't help but feel like my modest gesture has some deeper and more profound meaning.  I encourage everyone to give what they are able to, whether it be to a church or an organization of some kind, every little bit helps make the world a better place!

Progress and Productivity

I'm happy to report that I received a call this afternoon from Art Awakenings to schedule my intake.  Unfortunately it's not until Monday, May 6th, but at least it's progress!  During the intake appointment they will assess my needs and goals as well as help to determine where my artistic interests are.  I will also have the opportunity to tour the studios and meet some of the people there.  Right now I'm leaning toward the writing aspect of things but also have a definite desire to possibly explore painting and drawing since I used to enjoy those things in the past.  Maybe those talents, if you could call them that, would be rekindled if I were to take classes in that direction.  Where I end up going remains up in the air.  While the closest studio to me is in the Northwest part of town, my intake is at the downtown studio in the Roosevelt arts district.  I also have to arrange for my own transportation through my clinic which has, in the past, been challenging to say the least.  I'm hopeful that my new case manager is more responsive and has a better propensity to move things along in an expedient manner.  Time will tell on that score.  I have yet to hear from CHEEERS, which I thought I'd hear from first, but I feel slightly more confident that the referral has been or will shortly be completed there too.  I'm trying to keep an open mind and a somewhat positive attitude.  It just doesn't do any good to focus on the negative and get myself all worked up for nothing potentially.  Clients go to and from both Art Awakenings and CHEEERS every day without too much trouble so I'm definitely making an attempt not to be Eeyore and only see the doom and gloom of the situation.  Progress is progress and I'll take what I can get at this point.  Negative thinking has been a very large area of opportunity for me and this venture gives me the chance to fight all of my natural instincts and think positively.  I'm hopeful that my resources don't let me down!  

On the homefront things are looking up as well.  I had a very productive weekend working with Brian to declutter and organize the living room as well as unpack all of my books and get the bookshelves put together.  Brian is a very positive influence on me and definitely knows how to motivate me.  The kitchen remains cleaned up, you can see the part of my couch that was previously covered in papers and clutter, my coffee table is fully visible to the naked eye, and books are stacked neatly on the shelves.  I even managed to find my bible collection that eluded me since I moved in.  All that remains at this point is the bedroom and all the boxes of clothes.  That's on our agenda next weekend and I look forward to really thinning out my stash of clothing.  Some fat guy in need somewhere is going to be mighty happy.  Boxes have been the norm around here for over a year now.  Every time I thought about wanting to work on them I just didn't have it in me or I simply got too overwhelmed with the size of the tasks to be done.  Brian really helps me break things down and focus only on very small pieces rather than getting stuck spinning my wheels thinking about the overall.  We continue to get along famously and both of us feel like we will make excellent roommates once that permanent transition occurs.  We have a couple months before we need to take the leap so we're going to just continue to cohabitate on a part time basis for now.  Once the bedroom is done it's just a matter of keeping up with everything which shouldn't be too difficult with both of us working at it.  I'm so thankful for Brian and his willingness to go into a roommate situation.  I think he feels the same way I do about it being beneficial for both of us.  Jackie has met him and likes him, and I hope to have him meet more of my friends and family as time goes on.  For now I'm elated at the progress we've made and at the productivity I've mustered up.  I'm also thrilled that I've heard from Art Awakenings and that process has officially begun!  Things are looking up all the way around!