Two days out ... some deep introspection

I am beginning to realize that the end of my hospitalization was just a beginning for me.  Being inpatient was necessary for stabilization and to get me to a place where I could start thinking about all the challenges and unknowns I face going forward, but it was an excellent first stop in the process.  Being home again within these few walls I call my own is certainly comforting, but I am starting to see that I also need to deal more effectively with being alone much of the time.  That's certainly not a bad thing as it gives me ample opportunity to work on some inner feelings, write down the obstacles I need to overcome, and prioritize them in order of importance or impact so that I can tackle things in small bites rather than become overwhelmed with everything all at once.  Solitude can be such a blessing but if left unchecked it can also become a curse as well.  The difference between the two sometimes blurs together but I'm now in a better and happier place and can use some of the tools I've learned in the hospital to deal and cope with any situation or circumstance.

The medications I now take are most definitely aiding in the recovery process and have helped me to achieve and maintain much better control of my thoughts and feelings.  Sleep has become more regular thanks to one of the drugs I take at bedtime and I'm getting less and less of that morning after hangover sensation each day.  I honestly think some of the pharmaceutical companies deserve the Nobel Prize for their diligence in developing new and more effective medicines that target depression, anxiety and a whole host of other mental health issues and conditions.  Speaking only for myself I cannot express how vital a tool psychotropic medications can be!  I remember not so long ago when mental illness was a huge taboo that wasn't discussed in polite society.  There still remains a stigma hovering over those who suffer from these very physical manifestations and chemical imbalances, but I do believe society's perception as a whole is improving much more rapidly than ever before.  That being said, I also realize that pharmacotherapy is only one tool in the toolbox and there remains a definite onus on the individual, me in this case, to work hard at overcoming negative and destructive emotions and feelings that, left unchecked, have the potential to wreak havoc on the soul.

Sometimes I feel that I was born in the wrong time or generation and would have much less baggage, or at least a different type, than I carry with me today.  The best example I could use is my being gay.  In my younger days I lived through a time when you could not be open about sexual orientation out of fear of rejection, violence, discrimination in many forms, and even being judged as less than human at times.  Whole religions and their respective leaders condemned me to hell long ago and many of them still do, albeit in a more politically correct and gentile manner.  The fundamental religious right still feels more than comfortable passing judgement and preaching hate toward those of us who don't fit into societal norms.  The scars and self-destructive core beliefs still run deep within me and I realize that I have a fight on my hands in trying to rid and overcome them from my inner self.  It's so easy to consciously say and believe that things are so much better for the LGBTQ community today, and they certainly are without any doubt.  Self esteem is a funny thing though.  That inner struggle between accepting and loving myself for the person I am and trying desperately to quell the thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or acceptable, even to God, is a fight that remains ongoing to this day.

Growing up gay in small town Millersburg Ohio was challenging to say the least.  I realized there was something different about me at a very early age and became sexually active when I was way too young.  I didn't know anything about being gay or what that even meant.  I just knew there was something not right or normal that I couldn't really understand or change no matter how hard I tried.  Throughout junior high and high school I was having sexual encounters, some ongoing and others just in passing, behind closed doors and in secret and being heckled and harassed even to the point of violence by some of those same people in public.  I think this left me very confused and not knowing what to think about myself or the situations.  It wasn't something that was discussed or acknowledged at all ... ever ... yet the double life continued.  It would probably send shock waves through that community if they knew who all was involved, both classmates around my age and adults as well.  I guess this is where I learned first hand about the double standards and false morality that existed everywhere I turned.  I have never been able to fully shake away the shame I felt and even when I became involved in the actual gay community itself it was still within a society that was not accepting at all.  Bars were not openly advertised and you had to just know where they were and what back door to enter, no pun intended.  I vividly remember being jumped and beaten outside bars in Akron on a couple of occasions and I know those scars also linger inside me.  To this day I carry those old wounds and they continue to impact my life in all sorts of ways.

I am coming to realize that these old and deeply suppressed experiences and times have shaped the person I've become, for better or worse, and I still must work very hard to change the programming that is so deeply embedded within me.  I often theorize that many of my self-destructive behaviors stem from these deep rooted feelings.  Perhaps smoking and being overweight are subconscious ways that I've been attempting to kill myself with all along without being brave (or stupid) enough to actually just do it swiftly in a single event.  Maybe my struggles with depression, anxiety and self-worthlessness are the manifestations of these emotions bubbling to the surface and never being willing or able to deal with them in a healthy manner.  When things get dark enough and there seems no other way to ease the pain it becomes clear that there just may be only one solution, which is what brought me to my latest circumstance.  How does one really delve into those events and emotions from long ago and address them in a therapeutic and non-destructive way?  I have a feeling I'm about to find out as I embark on some intensive individual and group therapy.  I'm more than a little afraid of what might rise to the surface but at this stage of my life it becomes vital that I try as best I can to finally resolve the inner conflict that has plagued me in one form or another for decades now.

One of my favorite movie quotes from Auntie Mame aptly states"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!"  I've always identified with this line but never really understood why since I've not ever been one to boldly embrace all that this existence has to offer.  As I think now about it I believe that it's possible that it rings so true for me because I'm one of the poor suckers starving myself and not letting go of those things that have haunted me for so long.  My hope is that this recent experience and intense therapy to come will lead me to some satisfactory answers and give me the tools I need to stop picking at those old scars and move forward in getting to really know and love myself for who I am and who I want to be.  I'm sure there will be tests of my faith and that progress won't be instantaneous, but I am confident that at least I'm now on the right path!  My only regret now is that it's taken me 40+ years to realize it.  The banquet beckons and man am I hungry!